“I need a Suga Mama who gon’ listennnnnnnn…”

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First and foremost, I’m kidding with the title; I’ve never been comfortable with the idea of living off of a woman.  While I think that should be obvious, it’s an unfortunate necessity that I add this disclaimer; in this day and age of Black men and women taking turns bashing each other, I don’t want to feed any of the trolls.  Now, on to better things…

A very good (intelligent/doctor/lady) friend of mine writes an awesome blog called Dating While Degreed (that you should all check out; seriously, go!), and she asked a question on Instagram the other day about whether her followers would date someone who made significantly less than they do; the blog is generally geared toward women, but as I have the habit of sticking my nose into conversations that don’t really concern me, I responded asking her to define “significantly”; you see, dating someone who makes significantly less than you as a successful man isn’t something to be upset about. It’s more like “par for the course”.  I can count the number of women in my lifetime that I’ve dated that made more than I did on one hand, and I’d still have enough fingers left to say “Peace”; and I’m not even talking about “significantly more”… just “more”.  While women are encouraged to seek men who out-earn them by society, there’s actually a subset of men who rail against the idea for numerous reasons.  We’ll talk about them in a second, but first another disclaimer:

By no stretch of the imagination are the things I’m going to discuss going to apply to all women, nor all men; as such, you can spare me the “NOT ALL WOMEN” and “NOT ALL MEN” responses.  These statements are generalized for the sake of brevity, and I don’t have time to point out every single exception, ok?  Thanks.

Now that that’s out of the way… Women tend to expect men to spend our money on them (without generally expecting to spend money on men), whether the woman makes good money or not, ESPECIALLY during the ‘dating’ phase.  Want to enjoy her company? My brother you’d better plan a date… and you’d better plan to pay… and you’d better not come off like a cheap-skate… and you’d better dress nicely… and you’d better not expect anything in return besides her company and conversation.  The date doesn’t go well, y’all aren’t compatible, don’t make it past that initial audition?  You just gotta chalk those expenses up, fam; ain’t no recompense.  Y’all wasted EACH OTHER’S time.

Hold This L
We all gotta hold that L sometime, fam.

I know what you’re thinking:  “But she wasted my time AND money, bruh!”  You’re right… AND she got a free meal out of it, perhaps even a couple of drinks.  She might have gotten dropped off at  her crib somewhat tipsy, only to hit you with the church hug and saunter inside to send a late night text to the dude she REALLY wanted to spend her time with tonight saying something akin to “WYD”.  The dating game is a whole hell of a lot like Wheel of Fortune, my good brother.  We all gotta take an L some time.

Circling back though, I’m actually cool with that.  There are no sure investments in this world, so it stands to reason that sometimes you’re gonna come up with a goose egg.  The dating game for a successful Black man often consists of wading through a significant swathe of outwardly attractive women who are doing their best to hide their inward damage; sometimes superficial, but other times significant; and whether we like it or not, we men are responsible for much of the damage we so loathe dealing with.  Why does she want a man who can provide? It’s likely because in her younger days some boy masquerading as a man mooched off of her.  I’ve known women who put CARS in their name for a boy on the strength of love, and ended up screwed over when things inevitably fell apart.  Asking that a man be financially stable is not only a defense mechanism, it’s simply good practice.  If you’re into the Bible, you may be familiar with 2 Corinthians 6:14… you know, the passage about being “unequally yoked”?  While I’m not particularly religious, I can say that attaching yourself to someone who isn’t responsible with their finances can be devastating in the long run. I get it fellas… you’re not that guy… but how is she supposed to know that from the outside looking in?

Hello From The Other Side
Ironic stance is ironic.

Personally (I feel the need to reiterate that I’m now speaking STRICTLY for myself), the amount of money that a woman makes has never been a huge deal for me.  I support myself and my son just fine, and I’m not looking for help; if anything, I’m looking to AVOID additional, unnecessary expenditures, and unfortunately there are some women who readily put themselves in that category.  You see, you don’t have to make a lot of money to be with a man like me.  If you can take care of yourself making whatever amount you make, you make enough to for me to date you.  Since (as a man) I’m expected to pay for most things while we date anyway, we’ll get along just fine as long as you’re not going to be constantly asking ME for money, beloved.
I will say that I do find it hilariously ironic when well-educated/well-off/affluent/successful women have a fundamental aversion to dating men who make significantly less than they do.  I mean I get it, I really do… you don’t want to be taken advantage of, you don’t want to feel like a person is with you solely because of what you can do for them, you don’t want to be in a position where you have to pay for almost everything… you want someone you feel is your equal in all facets, including financially; and you DESERVE that, right? After how hard you’ve worked to put yourself in the successful position you’re in, why should YOU be forced to settle for someone who’s living check to check?  Well… Welcome to our world lol.

One final thought that women might not be considering:  if you’re a woman who makes good money, there are men out there who will ACTIVELY AVOID you.  These men are damaged themselves, from previous relationships with women who held their financial advantage over their heads.  Perhaps YOU aren’t the kind of woman who, in anger, would emasculate your significant other… call him broke or less than a man.  Perhaps YOU wouldn’t be the kind who would bring in twice as much money as your man and still expect him to pay 50% of the household bills, leaving him broke after every paycheck while your personal savings account continues to grow… but how is he supposed to know that from the outside looking in?

1 Comment

  1. Great post. Perfectly articulated my points with a woman colleague the other day who questioned why I have to spend money on dates. “Cost of doing business”.